Fear & Loathing in Memphis

WOW- I just posted a lengthy entry and somehow I screwed up and it's gone.  THIS is my life.

Coinkidink? I think NOT

I'm having an extremely challenging day today.  One of those days where the message is somehow getting lost from my brain to my fingers, to my legs, to my mouth.  It's so frustrating.  It's also very easy to slip into that 'Wo is me' attitude.  And, I was teetering on the edge of that attitude.  Until.....

Until I read two blog entries by two of the most wonderful, loving women for whom I have the utmost respect.

What they wrote left a big red mark between my eyes.  THAT I felt!  I may not be able to feel my abdomen right now because the MS Hug is in force today- but I felt what I NEEDED to feel.  What GOD wanted me to feel.

Of that, I have no doubt.

Taking 'Green' to the Next Level

I am a die hard recycler.  I even rinse out cans to go into the bins.  Our recycle crew that picks up on Friday's surely think I'm crazy.  Driving out of the subdivision on Friday mornings, I see most of what the neighbors have in their bins.  A milk jug, some soda cans.  That's about it.

I have not reached the level of nothing but 'green' cleaning products.  Yes, I hang my head in shame, but I am an uber clean freak.  And, you know that smell after you've cleaned and scrubbed the bathroom, the kitchen, wherever?  It's just DIVINE to me.  But, I'm going to try.  I have started using Mule Team Borax in lieu of Clorox bleach in my laundry, I also use it to scrub the stainless sink- it just doesn't get it as shiney as the SOS pads, but I'm learning to relax a bit.

I also haven't stopped buying paper towels.  Napkins? Yes.  Only cloth in the casa.  But, I'm really going to try.  My only issue with that is cleaning mirrors, glass, etc.  We don't get the newspaper (stopped that to go 'green')- I can read it online should I choose to do so.  So, what does one use to clean those surfaces?  I really need to know.

The next revolution has started.  Where?  In my closet.  I purged my purses this weekend- nothing but, all leather or all cotton.  I only have about 3 purses left.  Next will be the clothes and the shoes.  If it's not natural, it's going away.  Now to find a cotton bra that will contain the girls.  I have found the perfect panties.  100% Cotton Boy shorts with lace,  from Target.  Gilligan O'Malley, I believe.

I seriously dream of not having ample breasticles.  I'm praying they go down a couple of sizes with my weight loss.  They haven't in the past, but one can hope, right?

After my closet is almost empty, I'm sure, it will be on to the cleansing, moisturizing products.  I am loving St. Ives, the body wash I purchased for cheap is all natural and they do NO animal testing on their products.

If I could afford a Toyota Prius- that would be on the 'future goals' list- but, those dang things are expensive!

What will you do to go a little more 'green' today?

May I have some cheese with my WHINE?

A baked brie would be AWESOME.

I hate to be a whiner, I seriously do.  But you gotta get it out sometime, right?

I made the mistake of taking a hot shower this morning.  Man, it felt so good.  It was rainy, dreary, and cold outside.  My sinuses (why we have these things is beyond me) were clogged, so what's the best solution?  A hot shower.

Hot showers for me, and I don't know if other MS'r's have this problem, are just bad mojo.  It felt incredible while I was taking it.  I got my make up on, dried my hair, and drove to work.

I would say about an hour after I took said shower, I started feeling like I'd run a marathon.  About thirty minutes after that, I started feeling very fatigued and tired.  Like I've been up for three straight days.

I know this is how I will feel, but sometimes I just 'forget' that I have to make smarter choices and decisions now.

I'm feeling out of sorts.  Typing the wrong thing.  My fingers getting off the groove of the 10-key on my keyboard.  It's just so aggravating.

So, I'm doing what I can at work.  Praying that I don't make a mistake.  Choosing to do those things that are just more 'simple'.

I'm stressing over my job.  Seriously stressing.  I really need to go back to part time.  BUT, my boss doesn't want that, we can't take the cut in my salary, so I'm stuck.  I feel like I'm just trudging through each day, praying for 5:00 to come quick.

I see my neurologist on Jan 31.  I don't know that he'll have any solutions for me.  Rest when you can is all the advice I get.  Resting when I can is when I get home.

I really have taken this diagnosis well.  I have.  And, I'm not 'complaining' per se, I'm just venting, and worrying, and wondering what's going to happen next.

I AM a Phenomenal Woman

because God made me that way......I am a HUGE Maya Angelou fan, and this, by far, has to be my favorite poem.  I have to re-read this at times, because after being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, being a Phenomenal Woman just doesn't seem to fit anymore.  Not that you need the heels I can't wear anymore, walk like a supermodel, Lord knows I can't, or don your warpaint, and make sure your hair is just right, most mornings I just can't pull that off.  And, not that any of these things just 'started' happening to me. They've been going on for a couple of years, and now I KNOW why.  But, as a woman, I do have to admit, dressing up, make up done, hair done always makes me feel 'special'.  I just have to learn that I can be phenomenal and special without all of the glam.

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Love Languages

Did you know that there are Five Love Languages?  No?  Neither did I.  But, according to Gary Chapman, there are.

I'm almost finished with his book The Five Love Languages, and BY GEORGE, I think he's onto something.

Even if you are blissfully married, I can't recommend this book enough.

I'm 45 years old going into my 46th year, and I've loved, yes I have.  But, have I loved in the right way?  I've learned that I do have room to grow.

The Five Love Languages are:
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch

I won't share much more about the book, because I want you, you, and you to buy it, borrow it, check it out at the library.

I'm really not saying YOU- I say that because I think everyone should read it.

I've figured out what MY Love Language is, and I have a pretty good idea of what my groom's is/are (you can have more than one, it's not against the rules), but I'm going to ask him to read it, as well.  Then we can compare and talk about it.

Loving someone is more than saying I love you, it's more than sex, it's more than just a quick kiss & hug before you leave.

And, this doesn't just apply to spouses, it applies to friends and family, as well.

I'm learning to love right.

Will you?

My Question to Ponder

I just started the book The Purpose Driven Life on Monday of this week.  I've had the book for about three years now, but just never committed myself to it as I have now.

My Question to Ponder for today is:  What would my family and friends say is the driving force in my life?


I posed that question on Facebook.  The comments were by far my Faith.  And, while my faith is strong, I guess I took the question on a little bit of a different angle.


My answer to my question to ponder is work.  Work is truly the driving 'force' in my life.  Not the driving 'feeling in my heart and soul, that WOULD be my faith.  And, you know what?  When I immediately answered that question to myself, I was sad.  Very, very sad.


'They' say you should live to work, not work to live.  All I have ever done, since the age of 15 is work to live.  


I'm not a monetary person.  I could have maybe been called that in the past, but that was a very long time ago.  And, it was a 'maybe'.  Of course, I like nice things.  Who doesn't?  But, I don't obsess over them.  A few years ago, shoes maybe, shoes were an obsession, but I never spent beyond what I could on shoes.  I learned at a young age that I was not a Jones, nor could I keep up with them.  


A favorite local music artist has a song called Mrs. Jones Again.  One of my favorite lines is "I can't keep up with the Joneses, I stopped tryin' long ago".  Yep, me too, Matt.


Yes, we have a house, a nice one, but not over the top, we have cars, trucks, and again, nice, dependable, but not over the top.  But, here in lies the problem.  We owe money on all of them.  Therefore, I work to live.


Mistakes?  Absolutely.  Lesson learned? Positively.  


If I believed in 'wishes' my wish would be to get rid of these things, live simply, give more, do more for others, not just work to pay the bills.


I'm continuing to pray each morning, with each chapter of this book for God to show me my purpose in life.  It has to be something more than this.  And, not because I want any praise for it, by no means is that what I mean or need.  I don't want to be remembered for anything, I just want to be doing what God wants me to do.  To use my talents, whatever they may be that He blessed me with, for His purpose.