Heavy Hearted

Yesterday I had to call my son and tell him to come get one of his dogs.  That we couldn't keep her any longer.  It was a 'lesson' for him.  A responsibility 'lesson'.  I say it that way because it really wasn't my desire to do this. I know that he needed that 'lesson'.  But, to do it this way?

He couldn't keep her where he's living.  His only option was to take her to a shelter.  We have no 'no kill' shelter's in this area.  My heart is breaking.  I know, she's just a dog.  But I fell head over heels for her.

I can't stop crying.  I can't stop picturing her sweet face in my head.  Her soft kisses.  Her gentle, loving, pleasing personality.

Dear Lord, please tell me that all dogs DO go to Heaven.

It's A Decorating EMERGENCY

- how the HECK do I do what I wanna do on this blog 'design'?  I'm a decor FREAK in my home- that I can handle- but I'm SO confused here.

The One About the Dream

This is a recurring dream for me.  I am back in high school.  I can't find my locker or can't remember the combination.  Nor can I remember what class is next, or find the schedule, or figure out an excuse for being late to class (I'm a horrible liar).  So, I found this information.  I think it's spot on.

School

To dream that you are in school, signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about your performance and abilities. If you are still in school and dream about school, then the dream may just be a reflection of your daily life and has no special significance. 

Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life. You may be going through a "spiritual learning" experience. 

To dream that you are looking for a school, suggests that you need to expand your knowledge and learning. To dream that you are at a new school, means that you are feeling out of place in some situation. Or perhaps there is a new lesson that you need to learn.

To dream that your childhood school is in ruins, suggests that you are dwelling on some unresolved childhood issue. Alternatively, the dream represents the passage of time. You need to look toward the future instead of reliving the past.

Locker

To see or use a locker in your dream, signifies aspects of yourself which you have kept hidden inside. Consider what items and belongings are in the locker. In particular, to dream of a school locker, denotes hidden feelings, knowledge, and attitudes that you need to learn and/or acknowledge.

To dream that you cannot open a locker or that your forgot the combination, suggests that you are unsure of where you stand in a particular situation. You feel you have lost some aspect of yourself. In other words, you are on shaky ground. If you cannot find your locker, then it symbolizes your insecurities about your role or position in a situation.

Lost

To dream that you are lost, suggests that you have lost your direction in life or that you have lost sight of your goals. You may be feeling worried and insecure about the path you are taking in life. If you try to call for help, then it means that you are trying to reach out for support. You are looking for someone to lean on. Alternatively, being lost means that you are still adjusting to a new situation in which the rules and conditions are ever changing.

45 Life Lessons

This warranted a double post today. #4 smacked me right between my eyes. This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!! Please, make sure you read to the end!!!!!! Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio . "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more: 1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. 3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. 4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch. 5. Pay off your credit cards every month. 6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. 7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone. 8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. 9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. 10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. 11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. 12. It's OK to let your children see you cry. 13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks. 16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. 17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. 18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. 19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else. 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. 21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. 22. Over prepare, then go with the flow. 23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. 24. The most important sex organ is the brain. 25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you. 26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?' 27. Always choose life. 28. Forgive everyone everything. 29. What other people think of you is none of your business. 30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time. 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 33. Believe in miracles. 34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. 35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. 36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young. 37. Your children get only one childhood. 38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back. 41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 42. The best is yet to come... 43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. 44. Yield. 45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift." Friends are the family that we choose.

It's Important to Floss

Do YOU floss everyday?  I do.  I have been for I don't know how many years now.

This morning- it was like I forgot how.  I pulled the string of floss out- Reach- Clean Burst just so you know.  I started trying to floss know that it didn't feel right.  You twist it around your finger- and move on to the next area- I couldn't, for the life of me, get it twisted right.  I threw away the first string- pulled out another- and tried again and again.  I got them flossed but not in the right way- I felt awkward.  I felt embarrassed, as if anyone was watching.  I felt stupid.  I do this every freakin day.  I felt the tears welling up.

I FEEL terrified.

All Shook Up

That's the song that keeps going through my mind lately- and I KNOW I'm in love, but if I could change the lyrics they might go something like this:
A well I bless my soul
What's wrong with me?
I'm twitching like a woman on a fuzzy tree
My friends say I'm actin' wild as a bug
I have MS
I'm all shook up
Mm mm oh, oh, nooo, noooo

My hands are shaky and my knees are weak
I can't seem to stand on my own two feet
Who do you thank when you have such luck?
I'm have MS
I'm all shook up
Mm mm oh, oh, noooo, nooo, NO!



Yes, I had to copy and paste those lyrics, because even though I am Elvis' biggest fan- I couldn't remember them.


As my FB status reads: I feel like a 1st grader attending MIT or Harvard.


I can't type without backspacing, re-checking, re=typing, backspacing and doing it all over again.


I can't speak without the wrong words coming out most of the time.


I'm afraid to be at work.  I'm terrified that I'm jacking something up.  I already have.  More times than I want to admit.  


I'm afraid of losing my job.  Who wants an employee who can't do their job.  Who takes 20 times longer to get a certain project completed thatn they used to?


I'm sure ya'll remember if I've said this before, but I don't know.  I work in Insurance- I handle our two largest clients.  I am the accounting manager.  I am the system administrator.  I"ve had to start keeping a spreadsheet of passwords.  And, directions to do whatever.  I can't keep doing this.


I might as well be stealing from the company I work for.  Not money- but then again, yes- I'm being paid to sit here and make mistakes.  My consious is eating me alive.


I ask God for forgivemness every day.  


I better end this now so I can save wahtever abilities i have during the early hours to try not to jack things up at work.

Fear & Loathing in Memphis

Fear?  I guess that's what you'd call it.  Scared?  That's closer to how I'm feeling.  Loathing?  Yes- I loath MS.  But, it's my burden to bare and I've GOT to get a grip.  I'm not whining, I'm not bitching, I know this has been part of God's plan before I was ever born.
I want to stay home.  I don't mess up too much there.  And, if I do, it's only going to affect me.  My husband is my hero, he can handle most things with calm, patience, and love.  I don't have this gift.
Here's the message I sent to my neurologist yesterday.  I sent him one week before last along the same lines.
More typing problms this week.  I am calling it typing dislexia, and sometimes typing psychosis.  I will be typing along, when I look back up at what i have typed theletters in many of the words are jumbled even though I felt as if I typed them correctly while typing.  Other times I will be thinking what to type in my head and look down and see that I have typed a different word here and there, kind of like you do when someone is talking to you while you type and you type a word they say instead of what you meant to type, except it is just me in the room.
 
Wanted tosend this now, because i know I will forget to mention it at my next appointment.
I found myself yesterday having to actually watch myself type.  Or 10-key- it's so frustrating.
It's early 9:45 my time- so, this has gone pretty easy- typing this- catch me after around 1:00 and it's a hot mess.