About that ‘alternative’ that I referred to yesterday. It’s not suicide- I believe suicide is murdering oneself, murder is a sin. Unless you are truly not in your right mind and kill yourself, I do believe those who do so will go to Heaven- if they are Christian.
My ‘alternative’ is to remove myself from the places, lives of others, etc. For their good. Please don’t patronize me and say I could never live without you, because, yes, yes you can.
My memory is so jacked up. I got a call from my boss yesterday as I was laying in bed wanting to die, about something I didn’t follow up on, and something I seriously had no clue that I had requested TO follow up on. This was on our largest clients account. To say that I was beside myself is an understatement. This is not the first time this has happened. And, I know it won’t be the last. Can I live with that every day?
My role as a wife and mother is jacked beyond belief. What do I do for them? I pay the bills, I hand out money to a son who doesn’t deserve it. It hasn’t happened recently, but it has in the past, and he knows and will come asking again. To say that THIS has screwed him up is an understatement. How will he learn responsibility if I continue to ‘coddle’ him. He has no job now. He quit a perfectly wonderful job (or so he says he quit) because his hours were cut. He’s going on 20 years old and has the responsibility of a 12 year old. Whose fault is that? Yep, you guessed it. I bought his vehicle for him, I pay his insurance, etc. etc. etc. You get the idea.
Surprise, though- I got up to a note this morning that he was staying at his Dad’s last night because he had ‘work’ this morning. What work? I have no clue.
My oldest son? He’s doing an awesome job in his life. He doesn’t need instruction or example from me any longer.
I truly suck as a wife. I know this. I’m not in denial. I try. I really do- and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. And, my husband deserves so much more than I have to offer. I’ve thought over the 7 years we’ve been married that I would make changes, be better, I have prayed and prayed for God to make me the kind of wife He wants me to be.
So, my alternative? Pack my clothes, drive away- where? Who knows. But, I have a feeling many lives would be changed for the better.
I'm an only child- I've learned that 'alone' is when I'm at my best.
3 comments:
Yes, Yes, and yes. I have walked in those shoes. I have ruined my husband's life, I have ruined my kids, and they all deserve better. In our minds. I know, sweetie. I know...
At the risk of repeating myself, I'm going to repeat exactly what I said to you yesterday on Facebook: Whatever has happened isn't worth that "alternative". Whatever mistakes were made at work can be fixed, your sons are both fine young men and are also at ages where they are making their own choices, and it takes TWO to make or break any marriage.
And yes, while we could all "live" without you those lives would be missing a HUGE piece - the Lisa sized and shaped piece. I know that things look about as bad as they possibly can right now, but please don't walk away from the people who love you and want desperately to be here for and with you Lisa.
I will repeat myself too... Nothing is bigger than God and the place He should take in your life.
As for the work, husband and kids.... heck. I wreck all of mine at least three times an hour.
I wish I was at liberty to share with you some specific details, about what I have receintly learned, in my own trial by fire... but please know, your HOPE isn't lost. In your weakness, HIS strength is made perfect.... With HIM you can overcome.
We are praying for you here. Lifting you up..
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