In the Style of "Topics"

I've been thinking about how to 'journal' and 'blog' lately, and since I seem so random, at times, I've decided to go with Topics. Here we go.

Breakfast & Vitamins/Supplements

I'm on a mission to lose some weight. I'm always on that mission, but I've heard so many times in the past couple of weeks, you must eat breakfast. Not that I haven't heard this in the past, it's not news to me. However, I'm notsomuch an early morning eater. So, I made smoothies Monday morning, had one- that was good- I had a glass of milk and a Fiber One bar this morning. I must eat in order to take the 9 bazillion vitamins/supplments I take. I've only been taking them once a day- at supper time- and several are to be taken 3 times per day. I feel like a walking pill bottle. I really need to write all of them down. So, two days down, and it's going good. Funny, also, how you eat MORE to lose weight. The more I eat, the hungrier I am- that just doesn't seem right, but it's seems like the way to go. We shall see. I have about 40 lbs to lose. I've also noticed that one of the supplements seems to be a culprit in causing me to have excess gas. Nice, right? I'm just full of TMI. But, ohmahdang.

Our Neighborhood

I felt like an ancient driving into the subdivision last night after work and my Walmart run. All I saw driving through were young couples with babies in strollers, young, thin soccer Mom's running with their Ipods- not an ounce of 'jiggle'. Obviously no middle aged women, because unless you've had work done, have no chesticles, but are over the age of 40, there will be jiggle. I'm just sayin'.

Hair & Shaving

In said Walmart run, I was going to pick up a hair color since one of my stylists hasn't returned two of my phone calls, the other lives far away & won't be in town until November, and my gray is shining like a 1970's silver Christmas Tree as seen in Edward Scissorhands. I was also going to replenish my razors. Venus Breeze Spa. Do you KNOW how much those things are? $13 for 4 replacement blades. And, the hair color's- well, I couldn't find one for what I had 'budgeted' for this. So, I've decided to stop shaving and let my hair go gray. Wow, how old will I feel THEN?! As my husband said, to quote from one of our favorite movies, "Is your personal tragedy interfering with your ability to do good hair and shave?" Why, yes, honey, it is. I'm really not going to quit shaving, but I've got to relearn using cheap razors and shaving cream. The thing I love most about the Venus Breeze is that there are 5 blades, and 'stuff' around them that allows you to go sans shaving cream, soap, etc.

Kids

I miss Evan & Tayler so much it hurts. They are such wonderful young adults. They are such a blessing in my life. I miss Chase & Cam, as well. They have their own lives, doing their own thing. But, I know it's time for them to fly. I'm just not finished being Mama, being needed. I know that no Mother ever is- but, I still want more 'time' with Evan & Tayler. Selfish, I know. But, true. Empty Nest Syndrome bites.

My Health/Body

Things are going pretty well on the MS front. Fatigue & tiredness. But that's always there. My numbness in my face & blurred vision is all cleared up. My back ache on Sunday has settled to a dull roar. Just aggravating mostly. I'll take that all day long over it screaming at me. I'm walking pretty good. I don't look drunk ALL the time. Mainly just after 5:00 in the evenings. So, I'll take all those blessings I can get.

The House 'Situation'

We've had an offer to refi the house. Sounds great, right? Notsomuch. They want to finance more than what we owe now, and lower the rate. Well, I don't want to finance MORE. I can't sell it for MORE, but they want to finance MORE? And, have it approved for said MORE price. What kind of sense does that make. Yes, the note would go from $1555 to $1380, howEVER, we would owe MORE. That math just doesn't work for me. I want OUT of this house. Truth be told, a nice small apartment, with NO yardwork, LESS housework would be just perfect. It stresses me out on a daily basis.

Ending on a GOOD Note

I heard this song on the radio this morning on my way to work. It smacked me right between the eyes.

The Motions

What's up with this?

I can't figure out how my font changed mid way through this. Who knows. I don't need no steenkin stress, so I'm ovahit.

So BEYOND OVER IT

Miss Mary Sunshine is not making an appearance in this post. Just sayin'.

I am so over so many things. Being broke. Too high house notes, car notes, utility bills, insurance, prescriptions, doctor visits, etc.

And, honestly, I don't just spend like a crazy person. I've had my moments of spontaneity in the past, but I'm by no means a shopaholic. I buy (when I shop) what we need. I use Suave Hair products, hand me downed, or hand me overed face products, Suave lotion, deodorant, etc. It really doesn't get much cheaper than Suave- and I DO love their products.

Point being, I try to get a bargain on anything. I've even gotten over my 'must have this brand of toilet tissue and paper towels.' Those were my only 'won't buy the off brand' issues for a while.

And, being over those things isn't getting me very far. I got myself into this situation, and I don't know how to get out.

I come to work every day with a knot in my stomach, on the verge of an anxiety attack knowing that I HAVE to come here because the bills have to get paid. I have to come here even though I know I'm going to stress for 8 hours. I'm going to screw something up- I know I am- and I don't every day- but the fear is still there.

I do have a great job. I work with wonderful people. It's just a stressful business. Simple as that.

I don't ever want to leave the house. I truly don't. And, it's not the 'house' because it's really not that fabulous, - it's that I just don't want to be in public. It's kept me from going to church, from going to friends houses very often. I am bound and determined to be back in church. It's fairly small, and I so need it.

Even when we were in Gulf Shores, I stayed in the condo or just walked down to the beach. I don't want to be 'out there'. I don't know why.

But, that's where I'm comfortable. That's where I feel most at ease. I'm an official home body. IS there anything wrong with that?

I have prayed and prayed and prayed. I know it's a sin to stress, to worry, to not hand it all over to God. I am truly, with every fiber of my being, trying to do that.

It's not that there is no joy in my life. It's full of joy. And, I know that. But, I'm still emotionally raw a lot these days.

Yes, I'm taking my Cymbalta. Yes, it's better than the Lexapro I used to take. I don't want to 'not feel'.

I realize this is all over the dadgum place, but that's how my mind works.

I've had a headache for the last two days. I know most of it is seasonal allergy crap- fall is the only time I have problems. I am grateful for that- most people suffer terribly spring/summer/fall. This whole week has been stressful- and when our internet went down AGAIN TODAY (after it was down all day Tuesday, and 1/2 Day Wednesday)- I almost lost my brains. My head started pounding. Now, it just won't let up. Advil isn't working which is aggravating me which is just making my head pound worse. It's a vicious cycle.

I just want to crawl in bed for a couple of days and completely turn my brain off. System maintenance, we'll call it.

Must get back to work now- just had to get some of this out before I bust out and go postal.