I am so over so many things. Being broke. Too high house notes, car notes, utility bills, insurance, prescriptions, doctor visits, etc.
And, honestly, I don't just spend like a crazy person. I've had my moments of spontaneity in the past, but I'm by no means a shopaholic. I buy (when I shop) what we need. I use Suave Hair products, hand me downed, or hand me overed face products, Suave lotion, deodorant, etc. It really doesn't get much cheaper than Suave- and I DO love their products.
Point being, I try to get a bargain on anything. I've even gotten over my 'must have this brand of toilet tissue and paper towels.' Those were my only 'won't buy the off brand' issues for a while.
And, being over those things isn't getting me very far. I got myself into this situation, and I don't know how to get out.
I come to work every day with a knot in my stomach, on the verge of an anxiety attack knowing that I HAVE to come here because the bills have to get paid. I have to come here even though I know I'm going to stress for 8 hours. I'm going to screw something up- I know I am- and I don't every day- but the fear is still there.
I do have a great job. I work with wonderful people. It's just a stressful business. Simple as that.
I don't ever want to leave the house. I truly don't. And, it's not the 'house' because it's really not that fabulous, - it's that I just don't want to be in public. It's kept me from going to church, from going to friends houses very often. I am bound and determined to be back in church. It's fairly small, and I so need it.
Even when we were in Gulf Shores, I stayed in the condo or just walked down to the beach. I don't want to be 'out there'. I don't know why.
But, that's where I'm comfortable. That's where I feel most at ease. I'm an official home body. IS there anything wrong with that?
I have prayed and prayed and prayed. I know it's a sin to stress, to worry, to not hand it all over to God. I am truly, with every fiber of my being, trying to do that.
It's not that there is no joy in my life. It's full of joy. And, I know that. But, I'm still emotionally raw a lot these days.
Yes, I'm taking my Cymbalta. Yes, it's better than the Lexapro I used to take. I don't want to 'not feel'.
I realize this is all over the dadgum place, but that's how my mind works.
I've had a headache for the last two days. I know most of it is seasonal allergy crap- fall is the only time I have problems. I am grateful for that- most people suffer terribly spring/summer/fall. This whole week has been stressful- and when our internet went down AGAIN TODAY (after it was down all day Tuesday, and 1/2 Day Wednesday)- I almost lost my brains. My head started pounding. Now, it just won't let up. Advil isn't working which is aggravating me which is just making my head pound worse. It's a vicious cycle.
I just want to crawl in bed for a couple of days and completely turn my brain off. System maintenance, we'll call it.
Must get back to work now- just had to get some of this out before I bust out and go postal.
1 comments:
I have no good words, only love and prayers.
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