Erratic Thoughts

I seriously believe my 'issues' over the past few weeks/months are depression/anxiety.  I just read an article about depression/anxiety in people with MS.  I posted the most 'unscary' one on my Facebook.

My GP did put me on 60 mg of Cymbalta once per day when I got my diagnosis last year.  I'm thinking maybe it's not cutting it anymore.

I did seriously consider, on Wednesday, just packing up enough clothes, taking all of my paycheck out of the bank, and just driving off.  For about thirty minutes I considered this.  That scares me.  And, the only reason I didn't, I think, is because I felt so bad physically, I couldn't even think about packing up anything.  God works in mysterious ways 'they' say....and I'd have to say, yes, yes He does.  A horrible cold/sinus whatever probably kept me from making a huge error in judgement.

I was laying in bed last night, just thinking.  My committee never ceases.  Never.  My thoughts were from how much of a jacked up on/off relationship I've had with my real Father all of my life, to how much I miss my Mama, even after her homegoing 12 years ago, to how much I would love to have a Vintage Gas Stove.  Along with, how much longer can I function at work, how much longer can I deal with all the animals that I love so much but make me crazy with pet hair, and other stupid things that those adorable babies do.  Then thinking what a horrible person I am for thinking they that drive me crazy, they are ANIMALS.

Then, onto, I really should have washed all the bed linens last weekend.  Now I'm a week off.  The bathrooms need to be cleaned, I didn't get to THAT last weekend either.  Man, at the dust.  How CAN one house accumulate so much freakin' dust?  I DID dust last weekend.  And, on and off during the first part of the week.

Does anyone feel as crazy as I do now just READING this?

I will talk to my Doctor.  But then, I hate to medicate myself to where I just don't feel anything.  Then there is the weight gain.  Damned if I do...damned if I don't.

About that "Alternative"

About that ‘alternative’ that I referred to yesterday. It’s not suicide- I believe suicide is murdering oneself, murder is a sin. Unless you are truly not in your right mind and kill yourself, I do believe those who do so will go to Heaven- if they are Christian.

My ‘alternative’ is to remove myself from the places, lives of others, etc. For their good. Please don’t patronize me and say I could never live without you, because, yes, yes you can.

My memory is so jacked up. I got a call from my boss yesterday as I was laying in bed wanting to die, about something I didn’t follow up on, and something I seriously had no clue that I had requested TO follow up on. This was on our largest clients account. To say that I was beside myself is an understatement. This is not the first time this has happened. And, I know it won’t be the last. Can I live with that every day?

My role as a wife and mother is jacked beyond belief. What do I do for them? I pay the bills, I hand out money to a son who doesn’t deserve it. It hasn’t happened recently, but it has in the past, and he knows and will come asking again. To say that THIS has screwed him up is an understatement. How will he learn responsibility if I continue to ‘coddle’ him. He has no job now. He quit a perfectly wonderful job (or so he says he quit) because his hours were cut. He’s going on 20 years old and has the responsibility of a 12 year old. Whose fault is that? Yep, you guessed it. I bought his vehicle for him, I pay his insurance, etc. etc. etc. You get the idea.

Surprise, though- I got up to a note this morning that he was staying at his Dad’s last night because he had ‘work’ this morning. What work? I have no clue.

My oldest son? He’s doing an awesome job in his life. He doesn’t need instruction or example from me any longer.

I truly suck as a wife. I know this. I’m not in denial. I try. I really do- and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. And, my husband deserves so much more than I have to offer. I’ve thought over the 7 years we’ve been married that I would make changes, be better, I have prayed and prayed for God to make me the kind of wife He wants me to be.

So, my alternative? Pack my clothes, drive away- where? Who knows. But, I have a feeling many lives would be changed for the better.

I'm an only child- I've learned that 'alone' is when I'm at my best.

Tiredness? Fatigue? Exhaustion? How About All Three

When you are feeling run down and can't keep up, you may describe your symptoms as being tired, exhausted or fatigued. Although we commonly use these as interchangeable words to describe what we are feeling, in medical terms they mean very different things. Understanding the symptoms of each can help us better explain how we feel and ultimately lead us to find a solution for the problem.

There are different types of being tired. The type of fatigue that is felt by a cancer patient for example is not the same type of fatigue that we feel at the end of a very long day.

Tiredness differers from fatigue because although you may not feel like it, your body still has some energy left to tap in to. The symptoms of tiredness include a feeling of heaviness and weakness in muscles, forgetfulness and impatience. Tiredness is common, especially if you have run yourself weary and haven't taken time to relax. Most of the time, all it takes is rest for us to recover from a bout of tiredness.

Fatigue is a different animal. A person who is suffering from fatigue will have difficulty concentrating, a decrease in physical ability and stamina, difficulty sleeping, and may turn away from social activities that they once enjoyed. Fatigue, unlike tiredness, is not a transient state that can be cleared up with a nap or rest.

Further up the scale is exhaustion. Exhaustion is characterized by confusion, delirium, numbness, difficulty staying awake and difficulty falling asleep as well as complete withdrawal from others. Exhaustion is a serious situation that points to a deeper problem than simple tiredness. Anyone who is experiencing this degree of a problem needs to consult with their doctor promptly.

The only thing I'm not feeling is delirious - or maybe I am, and I'm just in denial.