Cross Roads

That's the only way I can describe how I'm feeling right now. I'm at a cross road in my life, it seems. Or, I'm being forced into it- I can't really decide. I don't want to lay blame anywhere, and I won't.

I'm so tired of hearing, but you don't LOOK sick. No, I don't. I try so hard to NOT look like I slept like crap the night before, that every move is an effort, that I don't look like I need to lay down & sleep constantly. Skincare and makeup can do wonderful things. And, it's so much effort.

Every day is a challenge. I'm always up for a good challenge. Really, I am. But, this is tough. So very tough. I'm one hard headed broad. And, it's really tough for me to say "I can't do this".

Work is a major stress in my life. Stress is my enemy. Stress and heat. I can feel awesome on the weekends, but Sunday night rolls around and I feel the anxiety coming. I know that the entire week is going to be a fight. A fight to get up each morning. To take a shower, and no hot ones, that will REALLY jack me up. To try to cover the bags under my eyes, to do something with my hair, to get dressed, to make the drive to work knowing that all that hard work I've done at home just trying to get ready for the day has depleted any energy I had.

Will I make a horrible mistake today? Is my 'brainfog' going to be under control enough for me to work with all the numbers I work with? Is it going to be under control enough for me to NOT forget someone's insurance coverage?

The work I do every day means many things for everyone in this office. I am responsible. I have to be on my game every minute. And, I'm not. And, that terrifies me. Which in turn stresses me, which in turn pushes that vicious circle around and around.

My husband and I really want to get out of this town we're in. We (I) need a milder climate. The heat this summer has been unbearable. He is overworked and under appreciated at his job. The bright side are his benefits. And, even they have gotten worse and the premiums have gone up.

We deserve to be happy. HE deserves to see his children A LOT more often that he does now.

He can land a job away from here, no problem. But, who is going to hire me? Sure, I don't have to tell them about the MS. But, what if I have a major flair up and miss days of work? I'll be fired. I have no doubt about that.

My boss here, after all the time I've been here- after all I do for this company said to me a few weeks ago "if you didn't do the job you do, I would've let you go by now." And, here's the thing- I've only missed 5 additional days over what we are alloted each year. One of those was to take my Mother in Law to see Jersey Boys, one was for an MRI, one was for a spinal tap, one was for a migraine. The rest? Well, the rest I have worked from home all day. But, that's not 'fair' to my co-workers.

I'm so lost at this point. If I didn't have this job, we'd lose everything we have. House, cars, etc. Nuttin' but a thing when you're uber healthy. A huge stress when you're not.

I have prayed and prayed about this. I don't know what else to do. So, in the meantime, I will continue to pray. I will continue to work to the best of my ability and pray that I do things right.