Erratic Thoughts

I seriously believe my 'issues' over the past few weeks/months are depression/anxiety.  I just read an article about depression/anxiety in people with MS.  I posted the most 'unscary' one on my Facebook.

My GP did put me on 60 mg of Cymbalta once per day when I got my diagnosis last year.  I'm thinking maybe it's not cutting it anymore.

I did seriously consider, on Wednesday, just packing up enough clothes, taking all of my paycheck out of the bank, and just driving off.  For about thirty minutes I considered this.  That scares me.  And, the only reason I didn't, I think, is because I felt so bad physically, I couldn't even think about packing up anything.  God works in mysterious ways 'they' say....and I'd have to say, yes, yes He does.  A horrible cold/sinus whatever probably kept me from making a huge error in judgement.

I was laying in bed last night, just thinking.  My committee never ceases.  Never.  My thoughts were from how much of a jacked up on/off relationship I've had with my real Father all of my life, to how much I miss my Mama, even after her homegoing 12 years ago, to how much I would love to have a Vintage Gas Stove.  Along with, how much longer can I function at work, how much longer can I deal with all the animals that I love so much but make me crazy with pet hair, and other stupid things that those adorable babies do.  Then thinking what a horrible person I am for thinking they that drive me crazy, they are ANIMALS.

Then, onto, I really should have washed all the bed linens last weekend.  Now I'm a week off.  The bathrooms need to be cleaned, I didn't get to THAT last weekend either.  Man, at the dust.  How CAN one house accumulate so much freakin' dust?  I DID dust last weekend.  And, on and off during the first part of the week.

Does anyone feel as crazy as I do now just READING this?

I will talk to my Doctor.  But then, I hate to medicate myself to where I just don't feel anything.  Then there is the weight gain.  Damned if I do...damned if I don't.

About that "Alternative"

About that ‘alternative’ that I referred to yesterday. It’s not suicide- I believe suicide is murdering oneself, murder is a sin. Unless you are truly not in your right mind and kill yourself, I do believe those who do so will go to Heaven- if they are Christian.

My ‘alternative’ is to remove myself from the places, lives of others, etc. For their good. Please don’t patronize me and say I could never live without you, because, yes, yes you can.

My memory is so jacked up. I got a call from my boss yesterday as I was laying in bed wanting to die, about something I didn’t follow up on, and something I seriously had no clue that I had requested TO follow up on. This was on our largest clients account. To say that I was beside myself is an understatement. This is not the first time this has happened. And, I know it won’t be the last. Can I live with that every day?

My role as a wife and mother is jacked beyond belief. What do I do for them? I pay the bills, I hand out money to a son who doesn’t deserve it. It hasn’t happened recently, but it has in the past, and he knows and will come asking again. To say that THIS has screwed him up is an understatement. How will he learn responsibility if I continue to ‘coddle’ him. He has no job now. He quit a perfectly wonderful job (or so he says he quit) because his hours were cut. He’s going on 20 years old and has the responsibility of a 12 year old. Whose fault is that? Yep, you guessed it. I bought his vehicle for him, I pay his insurance, etc. etc. etc. You get the idea.

Surprise, though- I got up to a note this morning that he was staying at his Dad’s last night because he had ‘work’ this morning. What work? I have no clue.

My oldest son? He’s doing an awesome job in his life. He doesn’t need instruction or example from me any longer.

I truly suck as a wife. I know this. I’m not in denial. I try. I really do- and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. And, my husband deserves so much more than I have to offer. I’ve thought over the 7 years we’ve been married that I would make changes, be better, I have prayed and prayed for God to make me the kind of wife He wants me to be.

So, my alternative? Pack my clothes, drive away- where? Who knows. But, I have a feeling many lives would be changed for the better.

I'm an only child- I've learned that 'alone' is when I'm at my best.

Tiredness? Fatigue? Exhaustion? How About All Three

When you are feeling run down and can't keep up, you may describe your symptoms as being tired, exhausted or fatigued. Although we commonly use these as interchangeable words to describe what we are feeling, in medical terms they mean very different things. Understanding the symptoms of each can help us better explain how we feel and ultimately lead us to find a solution for the problem.

There are different types of being tired. The type of fatigue that is felt by a cancer patient for example is not the same type of fatigue that we feel at the end of a very long day.

Tiredness differers from fatigue because although you may not feel like it, your body still has some energy left to tap in to. The symptoms of tiredness include a feeling of heaviness and weakness in muscles, forgetfulness and impatience. Tiredness is common, especially if you have run yourself weary and haven't taken time to relax. Most of the time, all it takes is rest for us to recover from a bout of tiredness.

Fatigue is a different animal. A person who is suffering from fatigue will have difficulty concentrating, a decrease in physical ability and stamina, difficulty sleeping, and may turn away from social activities that they once enjoyed. Fatigue, unlike tiredness, is not a transient state that can be cleared up with a nap or rest.

Further up the scale is exhaustion. Exhaustion is characterized by confusion, delirium, numbness, difficulty staying awake and difficulty falling asleep as well as complete withdrawal from others. Exhaustion is a serious situation that points to a deeper problem than simple tiredness. Anyone who is experiencing this degree of a problem needs to consult with their doctor promptly.

The only thing I'm not feeling is delirious - or maybe I am, and I'm just in denial.

In the Style of "Topics"

I've been thinking about how to 'journal' and 'blog' lately, and since I seem so random, at times, I've decided to go with Topics. Here we go.

Breakfast & Vitamins/Supplements

I'm on a mission to lose some weight. I'm always on that mission, but I've heard so many times in the past couple of weeks, you must eat breakfast. Not that I haven't heard this in the past, it's not news to me. However, I'm notsomuch an early morning eater. So, I made smoothies Monday morning, had one- that was good- I had a glass of milk and a Fiber One bar this morning. I must eat in order to take the 9 bazillion vitamins/supplments I take. I've only been taking them once a day- at supper time- and several are to be taken 3 times per day. I feel like a walking pill bottle. I really need to write all of them down. So, two days down, and it's going good. Funny, also, how you eat MORE to lose weight. The more I eat, the hungrier I am- that just doesn't seem right, but it's seems like the way to go. We shall see. I have about 40 lbs to lose. I've also noticed that one of the supplements seems to be a culprit in causing me to have excess gas. Nice, right? I'm just full of TMI. But, ohmahdang.

Our Neighborhood

I felt like an ancient driving into the subdivision last night after work and my Walmart run. All I saw driving through were young couples with babies in strollers, young, thin soccer Mom's running with their Ipods- not an ounce of 'jiggle'. Obviously no middle aged women, because unless you've had work done, have no chesticles, but are over the age of 40, there will be jiggle. I'm just sayin'.

Hair & Shaving

In said Walmart run, I was going to pick up a hair color since one of my stylists hasn't returned two of my phone calls, the other lives far away & won't be in town until November, and my gray is shining like a 1970's silver Christmas Tree as seen in Edward Scissorhands. I was also going to replenish my razors. Venus Breeze Spa. Do you KNOW how much those things are? $13 for 4 replacement blades. And, the hair color's- well, I couldn't find one for what I had 'budgeted' for this. So, I've decided to stop shaving and let my hair go gray. Wow, how old will I feel THEN?! As my husband said, to quote from one of our favorite movies, "Is your personal tragedy interfering with your ability to do good hair and shave?" Why, yes, honey, it is. I'm really not going to quit shaving, but I've got to relearn using cheap razors and shaving cream. The thing I love most about the Venus Breeze is that there are 5 blades, and 'stuff' around them that allows you to go sans shaving cream, soap, etc.

Kids

I miss Evan & Tayler so much it hurts. They are such wonderful young adults. They are such a blessing in my life. I miss Chase & Cam, as well. They have their own lives, doing their own thing. But, I know it's time for them to fly. I'm just not finished being Mama, being needed. I know that no Mother ever is- but, I still want more 'time' with Evan & Tayler. Selfish, I know. But, true. Empty Nest Syndrome bites.

My Health/Body

Things are going pretty well on the MS front. Fatigue & tiredness. But that's always there. My numbness in my face & blurred vision is all cleared up. My back ache on Sunday has settled to a dull roar. Just aggravating mostly. I'll take that all day long over it screaming at me. I'm walking pretty good. I don't look drunk ALL the time. Mainly just after 5:00 in the evenings. So, I'll take all those blessings I can get.

The House 'Situation'

We've had an offer to refi the house. Sounds great, right? Notsomuch. They want to finance more than what we owe now, and lower the rate. Well, I don't want to finance MORE. I can't sell it for MORE, but they want to finance MORE? And, have it approved for said MORE price. What kind of sense does that make. Yes, the note would go from $1555 to $1380, howEVER, we would owe MORE. That math just doesn't work for me. I want OUT of this house. Truth be told, a nice small apartment, with NO yardwork, LESS housework would be just perfect. It stresses me out on a daily basis.

Ending on a GOOD Note

I heard this song on the radio this morning on my way to work. It smacked me right between the eyes.

The Motions

What's up with this?

I can't figure out how my font changed mid way through this. Who knows. I don't need no steenkin stress, so I'm ovahit.

So BEYOND OVER IT

Miss Mary Sunshine is not making an appearance in this post. Just sayin'.

I am so over so many things. Being broke. Too high house notes, car notes, utility bills, insurance, prescriptions, doctor visits, etc.

And, honestly, I don't just spend like a crazy person. I've had my moments of spontaneity in the past, but I'm by no means a shopaholic. I buy (when I shop) what we need. I use Suave Hair products, hand me downed, or hand me overed face products, Suave lotion, deodorant, etc. It really doesn't get much cheaper than Suave- and I DO love their products.

Point being, I try to get a bargain on anything. I've even gotten over my 'must have this brand of toilet tissue and paper towels.' Those were my only 'won't buy the off brand' issues for a while.

And, being over those things isn't getting me very far. I got myself into this situation, and I don't know how to get out.

I come to work every day with a knot in my stomach, on the verge of an anxiety attack knowing that I HAVE to come here because the bills have to get paid. I have to come here even though I know I'm going to stress for 8 hours. I'm going to screw something up- I know I am- and I don't every day- but the fear is still there.

I do have a great job. I work with wonderful people. It's just a stressful business. Simple as that.

I don't ever want to leave the house. I truly don't. And, it's not the 'house' because it's really not that fabulous, - it's that I just don't want to be in public. It's kept me from going to church, from going to friends houses very often. I am bound and determined to be back in church. It's fairly small, and I so need it.

Even when we were in Gulf Shores, I stayed in the condo or just walked down to the beach. I don't want to be 'out there'. I don't know why.

But, that's where I'm comfortable. That's where I feel most at ease. I'm an official home body. IS there anything wrong with that?

I have prayed and prayed and prayed. I know it's a sin to stress, to worry, to not hand it all over to God. I am truly, with every fiber of my being, trying to do that.

It's not that there is no joy in my life. It's full of joy. And, I know that. But, I'm still emotionally raw a lot these days.

Yes, I'm taking my Cymbalta. Yes, it's better than the Lexapro I used to take. I don't want to 'not feel'.

I realize this is all over the dadgum place, but that's how my mind works.

I've had a headache for the last two days. I know most of it is seasonal allergy crap- fall is the only time I have problems. I am grateful for that- most people suffer terribly spring/summer/fall. This whole week has been stressful- and when our internet went down AGAIN TODAY (after it was down all day Tuesday, and 1/2 Day Wednesday)- I almost lost my brains. My head started pounding. Now, it just won't let up. Advil isn't working which is aggravating me which is just making my head pound worse. It's a vicious cycle.

I just want to crawl in bed for a couple of days and completely turn my brain off. System maintenance, we'll call it.

Must get back to work now- just had to get some of this out before I bust out and go postal.

Random Dozen

1. Have you, or has someone close to you, ever won an award for anything?

Not that I’m aware of.

2. Who is the nearest relative to you who has served in the US Military?

My stepfather was in the Army during Viet Nam, and my husband was in the Marine Corps.

3. Share something that stirs the patriotic spirit in you.

Anytime I hear the beginning of the Star Spangled Banner or Lee Greenwood’s Proud to be an American- I get goose bumps.

4. Where are you in the birth order in your family? Do you think your "placement" made a difference in your personality?

I am an only child. And, yes, because I had to be ‘on my own’ so much of the time, I believe it did contribute to my hard headed, stubborn nature.

5. Name one trait you hope you carry that was evidenced in your parents or grandparents.

Love for the Lord, from both of my Grandmother’s & my Mother. I didn’t know either of my Grandfather’s. Strength from my Paternal Grandmother, and humility from my Maternal Grandmother.

6. If female, do you prefer wearing a skirt or pants? If male, shirt and tie or polo?

I love long skirts.

7. Approximately how many times do you wake during the night? What do you do to go back to sleep?

2-3 times, once to go to the restroom (always around 2:00 AM), then without fail, around 4:00 AM with the dread of knowing I have to get up in a couple hours and go to work. I normally just lay back down after the 2:00 AM wakeup and fall back to sleep fairly quickly. The 4:00 AM, notsomuch. Tossing & turning until the alarm goes off.

8. Share a favorite movie quote.
“I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.” ~ The Notebook

9. What is your favorite Fall candle scent?

Pumpkin Spice

10. What is one Fall activity you're looking forward to?

Turning our A/C OFF.

11. Tell us about a pleasant surprise that happened to you recently.

No surprises lately.

12. What was it like when you first met your in-laws-to-be?

It was Thanksgiving Day- I was to make my infamous Southern Cornbread Dressing for these California folks. I get to their home only to realize they don’t have a Cast Iron skillet. Anyone from the South knows you can’t make proper Cornbread Dressing without a Cast Iron Skillet. I made do with a Teflon cake pan- but it just wasn’t the same. I did take to them both immediately, and I believe, they to me. I think they thought I was a little on the crazy side, though. And, couldn't understand hardly a word I said. HAHA

On Vacations and A Disturbing Fact

We had a fantabulous time down in Gulf Shores. We got a later start on Wednesday evening than intended. Cam has been having some stomach issues and needed to go back to the GP to get a referral to a GI. So, I met him there at 5:15 because he didn't have the copay fundage. While I was there (it's a clinic of sorts), I asked if I could be seen.

Why? Well, I had been having severe pain right above my pubic bone since Sunday. I honestly thought it was just gas. Nice, right? Well, hey, everyone has it. Don lie. Anyway- after four days of eating Phazyme it wasn't any better. Come to find out it was a "Severe Bladder Infection." What? I have had no pain tinkling. Well, she says, it will probably get worse before it gets better. Here is a script for 3 days of Cipro. Okidoke.

So, we left Memphis at 8:30 PM in lieu of the 5:30 PM scheduled departure.

I drove for a bit- then started feeling really tired, as I am wont to do after 6:00 PM every freakin' day. So, Bryan took over the wheel, I settled into the passenger seat for my usual sleep while someone else is driving routine. Well, I guess since this was the first road trip in my new (to me) car- I hadn't gotten my Sleep Mojo going. I was awake the entire way down.

We arrived close to our destination around 4:30 in the morning. I told the kids- we should just stay up and watch the sun come up on the beach. If I could stay up- anyone could. We hit the Walmart in Fairhope, or Foley, wherever, for coffee to make when we got to the condo.

We got in, made coffee and did indeed watch the sun come up. It was beautiful. The sound and smell of the ocean air, a great cup of Community Coffee- it was just wonderful.

I finally got in the bed around 7:00 AM. Slept until 10:00 when my bladder pain woke me from a dead sleep.

Needless to say, it did, indeed, get worse before it got better. I ended up spending the entire first day in the bed. Cipro + Ibuprofen + Cranberry Juice + lots of water. I slept off & on until the next morning. Between pain/peeing/and sweats from fever it wasn't a great day/night.

Also, of course, the Cipro comes with the stay out of the sun warning. Really? The first time I take a day off for 'pleasure' and I'm in bed all day, then I have to be careful of the sun ON THE BEACH! Well, fughettaboutit! I just sprayed on the sunscreen and went for it. I did very well, thankyaverahmuch. I alternated in the sun to under the umbrella all day every day we were there. So, I have a nice tan- one little spot that got sunburned where I obviously missed spraying. It's now turned to tan, all is good.

So, long story short- I had a crappy first day- but the rest were marvelous! The kids had a blast. Bryan had a blast. THAT was the most important thing to me.

Monday was back to reality. ~Le sigh~

Work has been work since I've been back. Same stresses, same dread driving in each morning. Enough about that.

I had something very disturbing occur last night.

I am a TV Crime Show addict. Admission is the first step, right?

So, the premier of Criminal Minds was last night. They started doing the 'what happened last' previews before it started. I watched with a huge question mark looming over my head. I had NO CLUE whatsoever what was going on. I know I watched all last season. I even asked Bryan if he remembered the last show- Yes, yes he did. I sat watching the episode as if it were brand new. I honestly had no clue, no memory of what happened last season. Do you know how scary that is?

And, now I just had the same type thing happen. I emailed Bryan, Evan & Tayler this morning about going to see What If tomorrow night. Bryan just messaged me on Yahoo with RE: the movie- we have tickets to see Jerry Seinfeld tomorrow night. Worst part: We JUST talked about that last night as we were watching a Seinfeld episode.

This really, truly freaks me OUT.

The MS is jacking me UP! I have sworn that I will not allow this disease to run my life. But, how can I do that when I have no control over it? None.

I'm exhausted and fatigued all the time. I have a few hours of 'good' in the mornings, but that's about it. My memory is shot. I'm terrified that I'm going to forget something here at work. I already forgot to pay our (not the company) mortgage this month. Nice, right? These are things that normally just come 'natural' for me.

My life is very scary right now, and it doesn't seem to be looking up anytime soon.

P.S. Please forgive any misspellings, bad grammar, etc. I do a bit better typing things out than I do speaking, but I'm sure this is all jacked up somewhere!

My South

My South by Robert St. John

Thirty years ago I visited my first cousin in Virginia. While hanging out with his friends, the discussion turned to popular movies of the day. When I offered my two-cents on the authenticity and social relevance of the movie “Billy Jack," one of the boys asked, in all seriousness: “Do you guys have movie theaters down there?” To which I replied, “Yep, and we wear shoes, too.”

Just three years ago, my wife and I were attending a food and wine seminar in Aspen, Colorado. We were seated with two couples from Las Vegas. One of the Glitter Gulch gals was amazed, amused and downright rude when I described our restaurant as a fine-dining restaurant.

“Mississippi doesn’t have fine-dining restaurants!” she demanded, as she snickered and nudged her companion. I fought back the strong desire to mention that she lived in the land that invented the 99-cent breakfast buffet, but resisted. I wanted badly to defend my state and my restaurant with a 15-minute soliloquy and public relations rant that would surely change her mind. It was at that precise moment that I was hit with a blinding jolt of enlightenment, and in a moment of complete and absolute clarity it dawned on me—my South is the best-kept secret in the country. Why would I try to win this woman over? She might move down here.

I am always amused by Hollywood’s interpretation of the South. We are still, on occasion, depicted as a collective group of sweaty, stupid, backwards-minded and racist rednecks. The South of movies and TV, the Hollywood South, is not my South.

~~My South is full of honest, hard-working people.

~~My South is colorblind. In my South, we don’t put a premium on pigment. No one cares whether you are black, white, red or green with orange polka dots.

~~My South is the birthplace of blues and jazz, and rock-and-roll. It has banjo pickers and fiddle players, but it also has B.B. King, Muddy Waters, the Allman Brothers, Emmylou Harris and Elvis.

~~My South is hot.

~~My South smells of newly mown grass.

~~My South was the South of The Partridge Family, Hawaii 5-0 and kick the can.

~~My South was creek swimming, cane-pole fishing and bird hunting.

~~In my South football is king, and the Southeastern Conference is the kingdom.

~~My South is home to the most beautiful women on the planet.

~~In my South soul food and country cooking are the same thing.

~~My South is full of fig preserves, cornbread, butter beans, fried chicken, grits and catfish.

~~In my South we eat foie gras, caviar and truffles.

~~In my South our transistor radios introduced us to the Beatles and the Rolling Stones at the same time they were introduced to the rest of the country.

~~In my South grandmothers cook a big lunch every Sunday.

~~In my South family matters, deeply.

~~My South is boiled shrimp, blackberry cobbler, peach ice cream, banana pudding and oatmeal cream pies.

~~In my South people put peanuts in bottles of Coca Cola and hot sauce on almost everything.

~~In my South the tea is iced, and almost as sweet as the women.

~~My South has air-conditioning.

~~My South is camellias, azaleas, wisteria and hydrangeas.

~~My South is humid.

~~In my South the only person who has to sit on the back of the bus is the last person who got on the bus.

~~In my South people still say “yes, ma’am," “no, ma’am," “please” and “thank you.”

~~In my South we all wear shoes . . . most of the time.

My South is the best-kept secret in the country. Please continue to keep the secret . . .

My South II ~by Robert St. John

While channel-surfing on the idiot box the other day, I came across another one of those clichéd programs about the South. These supposed Southerners were talking about eating a possum.

As long as I have lived in the South I have never eaten a possum. No one I know has ever eaten a possum. I have never been to anyone’s house who served possum. I have never seen possum offered on a restaurant menu, and I have never seen possum in the frozen meat section of a grocery store.

I have, however, seen possums running through the woods. And I have seen a few possums (who weren’t good runners) in the middle of the road.

In the South, we might eat strange foods, but possum isn’t one of them.

As far as Hollywood is concerned, the South is still one big hot and humid region full of stereotypes and clichés (they got the humidity part right). We are either Big-Daddy-sitting-on-the-front-porch-in-a-seersucker-suit, sweating and fanning while drinking mint juleps beside a scratching dog— or— the poor-barefooted-child-in-tattered-clothes, walking down a dusty-dirt road beside a scratching dog. There is no middle ground. Most of the time, we are either stupid or racist or both.

A year ago I wrote a column titled “My South." In light of yesterday's possum experience I would like to add to the list of things that make up my South. The South of movies and TV, the Hollywood South, is not my South.

~~In my South no one eats possum. We do, on occasion, accidentally run over them.

~~In my South little girls wear bows in their hair.

~~In my South banana pudding is its own food group.

~~My South doesn’t have hoagies. In my South, we eat po boys.

~~In my South the back porches are screened and the front porches have rocking chairs and swings.

~~In my South the ham is as salty as the oysters.

~~In my South everyone waves.

~~In my South we know the difference between yams and sweet potatoes.

~~In my South we eat every part of the pig, just like they do in Paris.

~~In my South we use knives, forks and spoons, but we let cornbread and biscuits finish the job.

~~My South has tar-paper shacks but it also has tall-glass skyscrapers.

~~In my South people will put crabmeat on almost anything.

~~My South has tire swings hanging under live oak trees.

~~In my South grandmothers will put almost anything inside a mold filled with Jell-O.

~~In my South “cobbler” is a dessert, not a shoemaker.

~~In my South the only things that “squeal like a pig” are pigs.

~~In my South ice cream is made on the back porch instead of in a factory.

~~In my South grandmothers always have a homemade cake or pie on the counter.

~~My South has bottle trees.

~~In my South we give a firm handshake.

~~In my South “sopping” is an acquired skill and could be an Olympic sport.

~~My South is oleander and honeysuckle.

~~In my South we celebrate Easter a month-and-a-half early with a two-week long party called Mardi gras.

~~In my South fried chicken is a religion with its own denomination.

~~My South has sugar-sand beaches, pine forests, plains, hills, swamps and mountains.

~~In my South we still open doors and pull out chairs for ladies.

~~In my South we eat hushpuppies instead of wearing them on ourfeet.

~~In my South it’s OK to discuss politics and religion at the dinner table. As a matter of fact, it is required.

~~In my South we don’t hold Elvis’s movies against him.

~~My South has shrimp boats and multi-colored sunrises.

~~In my South we move slowly because we can.

~~My South has covered dish suppers and cutting-edge fine dining restaurants.

~~In my South young boys still catch fireflies in washed out mayonnaise jars.

~~In my South 50% of the dinner conversation deals with someone’s genealogy.

~~In my South we don’t burn crosses, we worship them.

~~In my South the dogs are still scratching.

---

Y'all are welcome to come to My South any ol' time you please.
Please check your preconceptions and assumptions at the door.
And y'all come back now . . . y'heah?

T Minus Five Hours and Counting

until we head to THE BEACH!!!!!!!! We finally told Ev & Tay last night. They are so jazzed. We are going here:

My People Call this Paradise

We will have lots of pics to share!!!!

Please pray for a safe trip for us!

Who Am I Kidding?

I thought I was going to have some time to write yesterday, but alas, the Excel spreadsheets and report forms for a client had to be done. It takes a lot of concentration on a regular basis to do these things, much less in the afternoon when most of my brain power has been depleted. But, they are done, for the year. And, correctly, thank God.

To address some of the notes on my last entry. No, we don't have a union, no the FMLA or ADA apply to me. Why? Because we only have 11 employee's. FMLA requires 50 employee's, ADA requires 15. Add to that, Tennessee is an 'at will' employment state. What does that mean? It means I can be fired with no reason given, and I can quit with no reason given.

So, there ya go. Add to that, I heard back from our disability carrier today, that I have been denied because I am not, according to my neurologist 'disabled'. And, no I'm not. My boss spoke with the carrier a few months ago to find out if there would be coverage for additional days I was off over and above my PTO- they, being the sales rep, said OF COURSE. Notsomuch the case. And, that's OK.

I DO have more good days than bad. So I really can't complain. It's just that the stress of this job is a major contributor to exacerbating my symptoms. Don't stress you say? Yeah, I say that to myself every day. Not easy.

Actually, my boss has sort of changed his tune the past couple of weeks. I think he realized what he said really cut me to the bone. I never said anything, but truth be told, he's been in kiss up mode.

I AM very good at what I do. I should be, I've been in this business for 26 years. He would seriously have to hire three people to do my job(s). I think it finally sunk in with him.

As much as I would LOVE and want to get out of this town, I am the one kidding myself.

It would be so hard for me to find a job. We simply can't make it on just one income even if we dwindled down to an efficiency apartment and one vehicle. My income is what pays the majority of the bills. That's not to knock my husband, but he has other obligations that take half of his paycheck. The part about that that aggravates me, is he works so hard, so many hours, on SALARY that is much lower than he is worth. But, he does love his job, and we have pretty good benefits. So, period, end of story- I will be working & living here until I can't anymore and that's just the way it is.

And, seriously, who, in this economy, leaves fairly good job security?

So, enough about that.

Dr.'s appointments for the kids next week. Evan to see a dermatologist for a strange mole that has a white circle around it, and Tay to see a GP and maybe on to a Gastroenterologist for some tummy issues she's been plagued with since last year.

We are taking a trip next week, but I can't tell where- it's a surprise for the kids & they might stumble upon this on my other blog. Details to follow, when I can share them. I have to give major props to my boss, actually, for said trip. He's allowing me to take the time (paid) a few days prior to my anniversary date, and we are staying at his 'place' at the destination.

Some trivial updates- I'm completely hooked on Nip/Tuck- thanks to Jules. I'm on Season 5. I can't believe I never watched this show before. Everyone has to have a guilty pleasure, yes? Well, this is mine.

I have lost almost 10 lbs in the past month or so. It certainly doesn't show much, but I'm trying. Just 30 more to go. ~sigh~

Ciao! for now.

These Are Not MY Words

...but they could be.

I Live with MS

by Jacqueline Lyne Wunsche

I wake up and am confused,

I think and try to choose

I get up and am weak,

I stop and think before I speak.

I arise and try to stand,

I walk and might need a hand.

I have learned

I might have to lean,

I might be stubborn-

you know what I mean.

I've learned to be strong,

And a smile helps me get along

I've learned to accept a shoulder,

And why others might seem colder.

I will get along with Him at my side,

And take what God gives me all with pride

My Ms Prayer

by Jacqueline Lyne Wunsche

M ake my life whole,

U nderstand when I'm not.

L ove me as me,

T each me to grow,

I do want to learn ,

P lease help me to.

L et me understand,

E ach days starts anew.

S o if I may stumble,

C rumple and fall,

L et me arise ,

E ncouragage me on.

R ealize I'll try,

O r when I just can't.

S tay by my side,

I 'll be there with you,

S o be with me too.Amen

Cross Roads

That's the only way I can describe how I'm feeling right now. I'm at a cross road in my life, it seems. Or, I'm being forced into it- I can't really decide. I don't want to lay blame anywhere, and I won't.

I'm so tired of hearing, but you don't LOOK sick. No, I don't. I try so hard to NOT look like I slept like crap the night before, that every move is an effort, that I don't look like I need to lay down & sleep constantly. Skincare and makeup can do wonderful things. And, it's so much effort.

Every day is a challenge. I'm always up for a good challenge. Really, I am. But, this is tough. So very tough. I'm one hard headed broad. And, it's really tough for me to say "I can't do this".

Work is a major stress in my life. Stress is my enemy. Stress and heat. I can feel awesome on the weekends, but Sunday night rolls around and I feel the anxiety coming. I know that the entire week is going to be a fight. A fight to get up each morning. To take a shower, and no hot ones, that will REALLY jack me up. To try to cover the bags under my eyes, to do something with my hair, to get dressed, to make the drive to work knowing that all that hard work I've done at home just trying to get ready for the day has depleted any energy I had.

Will I make a horrible mistake today? Is my 'brainfog' going to be under control enough for me to work with all the numbers I work with? Is it going to be under control enough for me to NOT forget someone's insurance coverage?

The work I do every day means many things for everyone in this office. I am responsible. I have to be on my game every minute. And, I'm not. And, that terrifies me. Which in turn stresses me, which in turn pushes that vicious circle around and around.

My husband and I really want to get out of this town we're in. We (I) need a milder climate. The heat this summer has been unbearable. He is overworked and under appreciated at his job. The bright side are his benefits. And, even they have gotten worse and the premiums have gone up.

We deserve to be happy. HE deserves to see his children A LOT more often that he does now.

He can land a job away from here, no problem. But, who is going to hire me? Sure, I don't have to tell them about the MS. But, what if I have a major flair up and miss days of work? I'll be fired. I have no doubt about that.

My boss here, after all the time I've been here- after all I do for this company said to me a few weeks ago "if you didn't do the job you do, I would've let you go by now." And, here's the thing- I've only missed 5 additional days over what we are alloted each year. One of those was to take my Mother in Law to see Jersey Boys, one was for an MRI, one was for a spinal tap, one was for a migraine. The rest? Well, the rest I have worked from home all day. But, that's not 'fair' to my co-workers.

I'm so lost at this point. If I didn't have this job, we'd lose everything we have. House, cars, etc. Nuttin' but a thing when you're uber healthy. A huge stress when you're not.

I have prayed and prayed about this. I don't know what else to do. So, in the meantime, I will continue to pray. I will continue to work to the best of my ability and pray that I do things right.

Thank You, MS

That's not a facetious title. I am completely serious and, no, I have not lost my entire mind.

Why in the world would I be THANKFUL for having this disease? That's what I'm here to say.

A little history:

I have always, from about age 14 been extremely independent, extremely determined, die hard set on being able to take care of myself and everyone important to me. All. ON.MY.OWN. For those of you who know me really well know this is the God's honest truth and more could be added. Let's see, hard headed, control freak, perfectionist, and on and on and on......

I've always been the proverbial Enjoli (sp?) commercial woman. You know: I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never let you forget you're a man, cuz I'm a WOMAN.....wasn't that the name of that rank perfume?

Ask my husband- I have been so independent, that it was always I can do this,I will take care of this, my bills, my car, my house, my, me, yada yada....he has been beyond patient, I'm talkin' Job here folks, since we've been together in allowing me (much to his chagrin) to be the control freak I've always been.

What did that make me? Not the wife God intended me to be, not the person God intended me to be.

I was full of pride. Pure and simple.

With this diagnosis, I have been put in this position where ~shudder~ (that is facetious) I actually have to RELY on my husband, on my family, on my friends, and most importantly on my Savior.

From the day I started having symptoms, yes, I was scared, I was terrified when my GP mentioned, this COULD be MS, but not likely- that didn't work out so well, right? It was at that point that I leaned (not for the first time, I'm not a completely cold hearted byotch) on the man I promised to love, honor, and respect. On my family and friends who've always been there for me, and again, most importantly on Jesus.

My humility has grown, and my pride has started losing it's hold on me.

Am I all the way there? Not yet.

I have a complete new respect for my husband, not that I didn't before, but even more so. We are a team. It's us, we're partners in this game called life. I have felt this way deep down, it's just been very hard to 'show' because of that "P" word, up there.

I also truly believe that even more 'good' will come from this horrible disease. I know, without a doubt, that God would never lay anything on me that He won't walk with me, and carry me, at times through.

There are other people out there who may need me. I'm just going to follow His lead, wherever that takes me.

I know there's much more I intended to write, but I can't think of it now.

Can you think of something devastating in your life that YOU can be thankful for?