I'm really NOT Negative Nancy

It seems like every time I come here to write I'm complaining about something.  But, you know what? I can get it out, not in a screaming frenzy, so that I'm not carted off to the nervous hospital.

I did have a really great weekend.  Mexican Food, Elvis Impersonator, and last but not least, time with my husband and family.  I actually stayed up and out until 12:30 AM!  That folks, is a miracle.  Of course, the 2 hour nap I took before going out that evening, probably saved me.

AND, I lost another pound last week.  Eleven total so far!  40 more to go.

I did pay for it the next day- just fatigue and exhausted feeling.  Of course, the fatigue is the constant monkey on my back.  And, stress, let's not forget the stress.

Here comes the moaning and groaning.

I get up, get ready for work this morning.  Actually took the time and energy to put on a little makeup, and do something with my (it's in a pain in the butt length trying to grow out) hair.

Get in the car, start heading to work.  Traffic is not my friend.  So, there starts the stress and anxiety.  The closer I GET to work, I can feel those nerves twitching.  And, the heaviness in my stomach.  It's the same routine every work day.

Stop stressing, Lisa!  Yes, I hear it from everyone- but, I can't.  I don't know how.  I have tried every thing.  I'm so afraid that I'm going to say the wrong thing, type the wrong thing, jack something up it just paralyzes me.

My boss has been extremely patient with me (well, as patient as he CAN be), but it still doesn't take that fear away.  I've been in this business for 27 years, yet I forget- I'm confused looking at some policies- stuff that used to be second nature, it's gone.

I AM blessed- I just don't know how to be less stressed.

~Heavy Sigh~

I'm not even going to go into how long this took me to type or the number of times I've read over it, corrected many errors- but, I'm sure there are more that I missed.  So FREAKIN' aggravating.

Really & Truly a Manic Monday

Had an appointment with my Neurologist this morning since my 'cognitive' issues aren't improving.  I'm going to see how long this takes for me to write this out, correctly, should be interesting.

So we discuss, again, my typing problems - wrong words, horrible misspelling, me the queen of spelling and grammar- my inability to come up with the right words or just using the wrong word altogether and have people looking at me with pity and 'bless her heart' in their eyes.  UGH.  On top of the memory issues.  I went to review a proposal for a client last week, and it was like it was written in greek- as in- I was just confused - very confused, and very terrified.

Then, the vertigo, motion sickness. I am probably the only person you'll ever know who can get motion sickness driving myself!  Yeah, seriously.

So, he's sending me to a neuropsychologist to see if the issues are lesion related or stress related.  I'm banking on stress.

And, AWESOME- today, I get to work and we are working with a major skeleton crew.  Two out with a stomach virus, three out as planned PTO, and one out with a major accident.  Prayer for them is greatly appreciated.  So, my stress is up quite a bit- because I'm taking phone calls and I'm terrified I'm going to say something wrong.  I don't want to complain- the three out with illness or injury rank top of the prayer list before me!

So, with interruptions and corrections, this has taken about thirty minutes.

MS Bites the Big One

I love the saying "I have MS, but MS doesn't have ME".  And, someday's I have that feeling.  The past several months, I have to admit MS does have me!  By the short hairs!

I can't stand to complain, but sometimes I just have to get it out.  I'm trying to be that strong, self sufficient, hard headed woman that I've been since I was about 8.

But, can I tell ya?  MS is beating this woman down.

I now know that I've had this disease for many years- going back to symptoms that I had over the years- not knowing what it was other than "I'm just getting to be a 'woman of a certain age'.  I actually had the "MS Hug" back in 2003 for several weeks.  Went to the Dr.- he couldn't explain it, and told me just wait for it to go away, and if it didn't to come back.  Awesome, dude- I probably could have been on some kinda of shot back then and not be as bad as I am today.

But, shoulda, coulda, would, right?  And, those shots?  Those daily shots that I've taken for a year?  Yeah, they didn't work out so well for me, either.  But, I will keep on keeping on.

I just don't know how much longer I can stress myself out over work.  Making sure every little thing is right, trying to remember everything I need to, it's so flippin' hard.  It's work just trying to get through work.

And, I do know- I am extremely fortunate and blessed that I'm getting up and walking every day.  That I still have my vision (although corrected)- I still have it.  I'm not in a wheel chair- not even having to use my cane.  I AM blessed, but I am also a realist.  And, I will admit when I can't do something.  I have to- it's eating me alive.

The guilt- ahh, the guilt.

That will be a topic for another day.

An Attitude Adjustment

I used to call my boys out when they needed an Attitude Adjustment.  Still do, sometimes.  They will ALWAYS be my kids, no matter how old they get.

Well, today, I'm calling MYSELF out because I DO need an Attitude Adjustment of major proportion.

I'm sick of hearing me bitch.  I know everyone else is.

Yes, I have pain daily, yes I can't speak or type properly after about noon, yes I am extremely fatigued and tired 98% of the time, but YES I AM getting up out of the bed every day, YES I DO have a job, YES I DO have a roof over my head, and a fridge full of healthy food.  Adjust it, Lisa- NOW!

See how easy that is?

Now I've prayed about it, written about it, now to practice it!  Lord, give me the strength, a grateful heart, and the humility I need to realize how blessed I truly am.

Like My Mama Always Said....

If you don't have something nice to say, say nothing at all.  Can I just tell you how many times in my life I've practiced this?  No, I can't- because I can't count the times.

I'm workin' on it, though.  And, I'm doing pretty good.

You see, the older I get, the smaller my 'Edit' button gets.  I now see why 'older' women just tell it like it is.

I've spent many years of my life keeping my mouth shut, and sucking it up.  But, that hasn't worked out so well for me in the past.  It just stayed buried long enough to brew resentment.

I'm trying to find that balance, the perfect balance, where keeping my mouth shut, keeping it in, and letting it go so it doesn't brew into something ugly.

I'm praying that God gives me the wisdom to know WHEN to say something, and to say it in love, and when to keep my trap SHUT.

The funny part is- when I am just OVER IT, and tired- whatever I DO say, probably won't come out with the right words- and I'll just sound like an idiot and not the Byotch I really am.

I'm feeling very 'off' today.  Physically, mentally- I should be used to it- but it still tends to freak me out a bit.  But, I'll just keep on rollin', because the beat does have to go on.........

If I had to do it all again......

I would do things differently.  Make different decisions.  A lot of folks say, oh, no, I wouldn't change a thing- I don't have regrets- it makes me who I am today.  While I do believe this is true to an extent, I have to call BullSh*t on it.

I will say it.  I do have regrets.  I have screwed up.  Yes, it has made me who I am today.  But someday's I really don't LIKE who I am today.

Just sayin'.

Can't Find the Words

Yes, I do have trouble these days finding the right word when I'm talking, when I'm typing- but this is different.  I have way too many thoughts breeding like rabbits in my head, and I just can't find the words to speak or type. Maybe if I sit here and stare at this screen long enough they will come.  They need to before I completely lose my grip.

I feel as if I'm waiting on the other proverbial shoe to drop.  It's just a feeling.  But, it's a strong one.

And, I just wish it would happen already so I can move on.

On the work front, can I just say how much support I have here?  I do, and I thank God for that.  My boss can be a pain in the butt, but he has been very supportive lately.

I don't think I've mentioned it here- but my last MRI showed seven new lesions.  So, yeah, I guess some of that scarring is affecting my 'abilities'.  As long as I take my time, I do okay.  What's really bizarre is that numbers are not a problem.  That's a GOOD thing, but I need my words, too.

Stress is eating me alive.  I've been a stressball since I was a kid.  I know that I shouldn't- that it's wrong- that it seems as if I'm not putting all of my trust in God.  I am really trying.  I am praying for it daily, several times a day.  What's just so ironic is that stress is major bad mojo with MS.  I have GOT TO ...LET GO..and LET GOD!

I haven't even really touched the surface of all that is in my head, maybe I should just stop and pray now.

Update on the Heavy Heart

My oldest son just called me with some GREAT news.  My youngest had called him for some brotherly support yesterday for what he had to do.  My oldest told him under no circumstance was he going to take her to a shelter.  His girlfriend's father is very interested in giving her a good home!  And, if that doesn't work out- my oldest is going to keep her.

I would try to fix my face from all the swelling and redness from crying, but now it's tears of joy!

Heavy Hearted

Yesterday I had to call my son and tell him to come get one of his dogs.  That we couldn't keep her any longer.  It was a 'lesson' for him.  A responsibility 'lesson'.  I say it that way because it really wasn't my desire to do this. I know that he needed that 'lesson'.  But, to do it this way?

He couldn't keep her where he's living.  His only option was to take her to a shelter.  We have no 'no kill' shelter's in this area.  My heart is breaking.  I know, she's just a dog.  But I fell head over heels for her.

I can't stop crying.  I can't stop picturing her sweet face in my head.  Her soft kisses.  Her gentle, loving, pleasing personality.

Dear Lord, please tell me that all dogs DO go to Heaven.